Vogue 8438, Part I (The Ugly)

I had all these dresses I meant to make, to take advantage of my new temporary boob situation, empire waists, strappy, good for belly, good for boobs, etc.  Then I came across (during pattern sale) and decided I must. make. this coat.

Even though it's fitted, and therefore progressively less and less wearable for the next at least 4 months.    By then it'll be June, in SoCal, so, can safely add another 3 months.  I think it was the giant collar that drew me in.  And, when there was a corresponding purple cordiroy in the clearance isle, it was like it's meant to be, so I set out to make pretty coat. 

The instructions seemed easy, easier than dress bodice instructions, actually.  So, I thought I'd cut a straight size 12 and see where we go from there.   Here's take one:

I mean.  No words are needed.  Even if we ingored the uni-sleeve (what was the point of doing the other one at this point..), and the collar that I pressed wrong (it doesn't need to be pressed at all), and stitched on wrong twice, and the belly.  Mr Snork sensing a huge meltdown, kindly volunteered himself to rip the seam the second time.   I should have lined up the center front together for the picture, but I was pretty sure I will never sew again, and didn't really feel like documenting this last adventure.  It didn't make much difference anyway, it hung like a bathrobe.

Here's a back view. 

Sensing my sizing was a little off, I asked Mr Snork to put it on.  -->

It actually looked like it had potential on him.  (Minus the collar.  It would look good on nobody, ever)

I swore off sewing, and went to bed after this picture.  Pity, too, I wish I had taken more for comparison.   

It even looked terrible on Nora, and nothing, ever, looks bad on Nora.  Everything I have ever made, no matter how crappy on me, has looked spectacular on Nora.  

This morning, I tried to talk myself into just winging it, figuring it's a coat, and therefore, should be baggy.  I *really* want to get into that purple cordiroy.  But then I looked at pattern envelope. 

 I hate when they draw pictures instead of having real people model it. It always gives me hope, like, "well..  that's what it looks like on Barbie.. but, on a *real* person, like me, it should probably look like this.." pan to me wearing a hobo sack, looking hopefully in the mirror, stiffly holding my arms 1" higher in their sockets, to keep the sack from falling off.    

Then I pictured hobo sack in bright purple, and it just didn't do it for me.  A quick scan on PR revealed the 3 people who've made it don't look like potato sack wearers either.  Must not be part of the design element.  Bummer.

Newly energized by the helpful people on PR, who kindly informed me about the princess seams, and where they should lay (not under the armpits), I tore off the offensive muslin collar and trashed it along with the sleeve, tore the bodice down every seam, and redrew a size 10. 

After this picture, I let it out 1/4" at the sides.  I can't really suck in 5 month fetus in enough to gauge what it would look like post baby, but it seemed a wee snug.  I still have to smuggle a lining under there, and I don't like my coats super tight.

There.  I might not give up sewing after all.  The waist needs to be brought up 1/4", and will add 2" or 3" to the length. 

I think I might be OK with it enough to make another collar and a sleeve.  If I managed to make this in the next couple weeks, I might still fit into it at completion time. 

If not, I'll let Nora wear it until next winter.  

Now I'm back to fantasizing about what color lining I can put in.   Bright pink?  Teal?  Green?  Something with frogs on it??

Nora, the Duct Tape Scarecrow Replacement

Months of stalking have paid off, and I now have me a dress form.  I was just about to try and wrap myself in duct tape again (it took months to work up the nerve), and now I can delay that indefinately. 

Ta-Da!!

I mean, it doesn't have gargoyle feet.  This was a little disappointing.  But, it matches my measurements nicely (I'll have to pad the butt-ips area..) And, it was $30, which, to date, is the best deal.  I considered  driving 60 miles to get a questionable $40 off of Craigslist.  Debbie's Dumpster were finally going to sell me theirs for $90.  No, thanks..  This one is much better, even!

Jesse and I had frolicked a relaxed, unmapped trail of garage sales this weekend - i.e. - he drives towards the beach and I make him pull over at every green, pink, or yellow piece of paper tacked to a light post, and our favorite junk shops.  In San Clemente, there's the Pac Rat, a little thrift shop ran by a husband and wife.  They have really cool dresses and suits, the wife picks her stuff carefully, so no junk.  I've gotten some shelves from them, and she once called me about some teacups she found, because she remembered I'm into that sort of thing.   It's not the $3 price tags I am accustomed to, courtesy of G-Marts, but their stuff is nice, and the husband likes to make deals.

Once there was a pretty vintagy red motorcycle Jesse had to drag me off.  I didn't wanna hear that it was too big for me.  It was shiny, dammit.  Anyway.  Pac Rat, had not one, but 3 dress forms.  They were using them as displays, until I undressed and inspected each one.  There was a vintage Wolf one, cast iron base and everything, and a newer reproduction of same, without base though.  I coulda probably negotiated Wolf for $80-ish, (he said $100) but  I skipped home with the newer one, for $30.

Jesse spent larger part of the evening mutilating a lamp I was supposed to Craigslist (procrastination DOES pay off) and making a stand for Nora II.  A couple of ugly "mallot + drill + handful of screws + lamp on a sidewalk outside" episodes later, he did so well, it doesn't even wobble. 

One of these days I'll spray paint the cage and the stand black, and separate gargoyle feet may turn up at some point, you never know.   I think I will also take a paint brush to her, she is clearly in need of some body art.   I'm taking ideas. 

FINALLY, I won't have to try on my hideous creations, and try to swim my way into and out of a half stitched top with 80 pins threatening my various body bits.  I mean:

It's hard to look cool wearing raggedy bits of almost clothing. (I was cutting off and reattaching the sleeves and taking in sides of a sweater that I thought would be cute to buy in XL to wear "camping".)  There are PINS in that there sleeve, people.  And I always have to ask Jesse to leave what he's doing and capture the madness on film.  No more. 

Also, she models clothing, so I have FINALLY, put up some stuff on Ebay, from my "Not a Size 4 Anymore Collection".   I had taken some pictures on the original Nora, let's revisit:

This, by the way, is Nora's most flattering angle.  Ignore the crushed right boob.   Even without scary boobs (but featuring my hand, since, Nora #1 was not a free standing creature), and with my snazzy carpet, a 70's special clearance rack my landlord is very fond of.

Vs-

I mean, night and day, right?  I am glad I procrastinated (again, see, it really works) and didn't put up all the Ebay auctions.  I'm certain Nora II is going to fetch at least .50c extra, you watch.  The only trick is that, since Nora II is my size, my smaller clothing doesn't really fit (all skirts are unzipped), and Nora I was a collapsible deal (not on purpose, it just was messed up like that) so I could potentially stuff her into stuff a little easier.  But once so stuffed, it wasn't very flattering (reference the crushed boobs) anyway.

As a matter of fact, anything worth picture taking that can be draped or hung, will now be featured on Nora II.  Like, this serape blanket I got in NorCal few weeks back:

And this outfit I picked up last weekend, at the Boutique (Salvation Army - The Boutique).  That's actually what it's called, and not a fancy decoy name I made up, like G-Mart for Goodwill.  Hereafter, all Salvation Army stores = Boutique.  You've been warned. 

I continually see 27 year olds in SoCal that look much cooler than me, and I can't quite pin point why.  Then I see pictures of stuff I pick out, and it becomes pretty clear.  Jesse helped construct the first outfit, finding a long sleeved shirt while I fumbled with dress buckles in fitting room, because that's the kind of Boutique White Horse-d Knight he is.  But, notice how the grandma dress on Nora instantly looks heaps more cool than the grandma dress hanging on a hanger off my track lighting.  Right??

Nora, the Duct Tape Scarecrow.

I’ve mentioned how I want a dress form. But I want a cool dress form, with a pretty iron or wood leg, (carved gargoyle feet and a faceted crystal ball on top optional) because it’ll probably end up hanging out a lot in my living room, and I don’t want a plastic contraption with spidery feet, screws, and dials.

Awesome dress forms I can see myself having:

I feel like they would really balance out the look of my appalling sewing adventures.
Nobody in their right mind would have me sew anything for them, so dials are useless anyway, as long as it’s my size. So, I am looking for a 34 bust (sigh), 29 waist, 40 hips dress form. I can pad the boobs and the butt, so I’m not obsessively picky. If it’s got gargoyle feet and 44 hips, I will drag it home, bust out a bread knife and trim stuff like it’s my job.

There was one in a Rags to Riches thrift shop in Newport Beach, but by the time I went home, thought about it, and came back a week later it was gone. “Sleeping on it” FAIL. This led me to stalk Craigslist and campaign that all my Facebook friends everywhere do the same, but meanwhile, I am still form-less, so I thought I’d make a duct tape dress form.

The good – it’s cheap and if you get it right, it's your body copied, 34" chest and 41" hips and everything, so when a pattern looks funny on your dress form, you know you gotta worry.

The bad – you gotta expect to hang out wrapped in trash bags and duct tape for at least an hour, probably more, with restricted mobility

The ugly – being wrapped up in trash bags and tape apparently brings out some truly undesirable traits of my personality.

Supplies:
Two rolls of 55yd duct tape at Ace Hardware - $5

Jesse kindly volunteered to be the wrap-er.

I heard about using long TShirt but I couldn’t find one I disliked enough to trash, and then I read feeback about it adding bulk, so I wore a trash bag (thoughtfully cut out head hole and arm holes) and since that was too short and I wanted my butt wrapped, I wore a contrasting trash bag skirt.
Early Halloween:

Jesse started at the hips, which in retrospect was a mistake, and if I was creative enough, could be blamed on him. Had I spent SOME of the time being able to sit, pee, and walk about, it would have probably been easier.
The beginning of the disaster:

May be had I spent less time texting, I'd have noticed the impending tragedy.
The suggested amount is three layers of tape. Boobs, are apparently to be done in a star pattern first, then layered over crosswise by short thing strips, and the whole body done in horizontal strips, than a layer in vertical, and then horizontal again. 3 layers all over.
It gets HOT in there.
About an hour into maintaining a perfect posture, sucking in the gut, and mentally lifting my butt, I crab hopped to the mirror to find out that either Jesse messed up or my boobs are 2” apart height wise. At first Jesse swore his taping was perfect, but quickly saw his mistake and retracted all. Morning emergency boob corrective surgery averted, but I still check them out in the mirror every once in a while. Way to accidentally happen upon a complex..

I spent another half hour instructing Jesse to wrap me tighter around the waist and hips, looser around the boobs, higher around the butt.. you name it. Shortly after this, I found I didn’t care if 3 layers had been done, I wanted out of that thing. A sweaty garbage bag doesn’t do good things for my psyche. It was ugly.

Jesse performed a semi emergency surgery all along the back of the duct tape, and the underwear. I wore a pair I didn’t like preemptively, so he didn’t get in trouble, and I thought the fact that he didn’t gouge my back too much was very sweet.
Taping the scarecrow back up:

I’m pretty sure Nora (she has to have a name) needed another few layers. I couldn’t do that, because of the freak claustrophobia outburst, plus, I had a freak delusion that that extra layer would r e a l l y ‘pudgy’ me up. The rubber fumes went straight into the bloodstream I think.

I read online that the form when taped together can stand on it’s own. Nora can’t stand. She collapses to the floor and her boobs cave in.

I stuffed her with balled up trash bags I had from Coastal Clean Up Day 2009. All wrong. Trash bags are slippery, and it was OK once I taped up the bottom, but when I went to dress her she was soft and pliable and the boobs wouldn’t survive under any pressure.
Note the ominous writing on the bag:

Next stuffing idea was newspapers, of which I didn’t have enough.

Next came the insulating foam stuff, that was on sale at Ace for $2.99, the stuff you spray into walls and it hardens into foam, and you can cut it with knife.
I expected it to expand all over the place, but was disappointed. No duct tape went flying through the house, and Nora didn’t morph into Dolly Parton. One can barely filled up her shoulder.
The good thing is the hanger is now fixed in there. It’s in there all crooked, but I’ll take it. The stuff is vile, and once it gets on your hands, only a good cancerific bath in acetone takes the edge off. The formal instruction once it gets on your skin is to “wear off with time”. That tells you something.

I think because the duct tape form is too thin and soft, the foam may have blown the once stuffed boob out of shape. Not because it expanded so, but because I had it hanging awkwardly so the foam mass would stay in the shoulder, and once it hardens, it makes the duct tape take its shape. It also sticks to the inside, so I can't really wedge the nozzle in the there and pump more foam.

Before I continue I will wedge a piece of cardboard horizontally where the rib cage is, to keep the form from expanding into a round shape.
I will finish this up, and see how it turns out. I think if it’s a complete failure, I will try again, get more layers on, so I have something stiffer to work with. In all other aspects I really like the foam deal – if I decide to have it on a stand, the foam will harden around it and keep Nora fixed.

UPDATE: Nora has hardened up. I'm loving the left side. The right side speaks for itslef.


The aerial view doesn't do her any favors either:

I didn't fill up the bottom, it took me two cans to fill up the torso, and the boob situation is pretty evident, so I don't want to dump 3 more cans in in vain. I'm deciding if I ought take a knife to her and go all Michael Angelo on her and sculpt me a new boob. May be. I can't throw things away, so I may keep it in garage for next time boredom overtakes me and I want to take a knife to something. I think I can take duct tape off, spray more foam on, wait for it to harden, sculpt away, then cover with duct tape again. Or just decoupage over with some pretty fabric or wrap paper, which is what I'm after ultimately.

Coming up next, Attempt Deux, May Be With Paper Tape This Time a.k.a How Much Worse Could It Be