Obsession Du Jour: Impractical Dresses

What's a girl to do to pass time once she sprouts a formidable 6 month fetus belly?  Why, shop for hourglass figure dresses, of course.  And it's all TMobile's fault.

I saw one in their commercial (with whom I'm not even on speaking terms, because their upgrade policy is awful.  New customers get shiny, pretty phones, and meanwhile, my Blackberry looks like it suffered a from a 5 story window.  Twice.  Into a dump truck.  With tree mulching capabilities.)  But, their insistence on charging me hundreds of dollars for a new phone is less annoying than putting pretty dresses on their TV models, and having me find out they were custom made. 

I don't recall how exactly, but this has led to a massive, unreasonable in its span, search for 50's dresses on Ebay, Etsy, this weekends' yard sales and favorite GMarts.  It's still ongoing.  I am seeing a whole lot of ugly 80's, and none of pretty 50's. 

Meanwhile, I might have purchased this:

Which I was hoping to alter into the TMobile dress, but there pretty buttons in the back:

Mr Snork has repeatedly expressed his hope that if I *were* to wear this out (he says incredulously) I would "at least take those sleeves off".   If he keeps it up, I'm gonna wear it, with sleeves, to his office to drop off lunch. 

Also currently stalking this wrap dress:

Not a huge fan of the colouring, but I want to make one like it, out of some fabric I have, that's scary close to the cabbage rose pattern fabric in the above dress. 

And, possibly this one:

The front!!

So, essentially, not only has TMobile wronged me in their handling of my phone needs, I am now possibly three dresses deep into a dress, and the toll is rising, since none of them so far look anything like THE dress.   Which is fine, really, cause I can't fit into anything with a waist for another 3 months, and it's questionable thereafter, with the amount of cake I have been throwing down my throat.    Stupid TV. 

Vogue 8438 Part II (The Good)

Coming together. 

Kinda nicely.  Especially on Nora, who still has a waist..

I tried to use the bias tape sleeve setting method I picked up on Gertie's sewing blog, but somehow failed and they still look 'gathered' at the caps.  Could be because for lack of other wool materials, I used a stretchy old sock.  It acted like an elastic would..

Channeling skinny thoughts to Strawberry:

I just noticed another bit of unfairness in the pattern illustration.  The drawing's neck sticks out for a good 3" out of the collar.  I have decided this is an anatomical impossibility, unless you are part swan.  Or giraffe. 

Their drawings really bug me. 

The waist still hasn't been moved up, and the whole thing needs to be lengthened, but I'm thinking it's Bright Purple Cordiroy time!

Simplicity 2364 / Tshirt ReCycle

The 99c sale came and went, so I stocked up some more, despite Mr Snork's objections.  Cause, for 99c, I think I should actually get 2 of each pattern.. just in case. 

I made view D, out of an XL Tshirt in the "rag pile", to test it out.

Before:

After:

 I know, you're thinking, 'doesn't she know she looks fat in that?'  But that's only because I'm slightly pregnant.  The 'special diet' I mentioned couple months ago referred to the complete lack of interest in food (and most other things, except naps).

Here it is on Nora, looking pretty spectacular:

 I really should have made this top that one week when my boobs grew all of a sudden, and for once, were bigger than my belly in profile.  But, other than the timing it turned out cute.  I didn't need the elastic, because of Tshirt used, - I cut size 12, which seems to work out for 34 bust and formerly 28 waist.   I would definately cut a larger size if I wasn't using stretchy fabric though.  I used one of the sleeves, cut off, to extend the top front view, to be able to include the Octopus (Yay, California Coast Clean Up Day!), and the back worked out just fine, cut off center:

  I like that its length, I hate, HATE short shirts that ride up.  Overall, it's a neat way to recycle old shirts, the only catch being, they should generally be couple sizes too big.  Although I had a whole other sleeve to work with, it makes for a lot of extra seams.  The facing had to be made from another tshirt entirely, from Mr Snork's TShirts For Rags Pile, and I cut it using the gathered front and back as templates, to avoid gathering it and having a bulky shoulder seam (for a TShirt, anyway, might be fine in other fabrics)

For what its worth, it's not a terrible maternity shirt, when I stop sucking my stomach in for modeling pictures, even if the octopus gets lost a bit.

Next up either more quilting (I'm a quilter now, a really, really bad one), or Simplicity 2587, to see if I can make use of my new boobs, while mutilating the pattern waist size to make room for Strawberry. 

Mr Snork has also requested a gun cleaning mat and a rifle sack, out of some manly camo fabric I have laying around left over from the manly yoga bag, but he's yet to present me with his full concept.  I found that the big four are lacking in their gun/ammo pattern selection, so he's gotta be pretty specific.

Vogue 8552, Sack-ness, and Cute-ness.

Affectionately known as The Sack.

I think it could be super cute, on someone with lesser hips than mine. I was in love with the pockets, and overall sack-ness of it, but, turns out when I wear a sack – not SPECTACUAR. My mom would say that it's good for selling potatoes at Moscow's Central Market.  The cartoon chick on the envelope pattern does it better. Certainly not because she’s drawn on a scale of 5’11’’ height and a 10” waist.

The other problem is that inevitably, I am drawn to colours, and sparkles, and big bunches of pink. It’s like I think I might expire out of boredom, if I used a sensible, solid fabric. But, I think this dress would do well in a solid fabric, may be with some contrast topstitching, to bring out the pockets. That way they might not look like a flowery extension of my butt.

However, I made it, so I LOVE it.

Not to mention, it was my birthday, and for the Most Thoughtful, Cute Gift EVER, Mr Snork got me these:

Tell me you didn’t just fall over, overwhelmed by the adorableness. I feel overwhelmed just typing about it.  My very own labels.  I feel very Gaultier-like. 

Some other developments for this dress:

I figured out how to use an ancient “Buttonholer”.

I'm not even sure how it works, it all happens so fast.  I think it just maniacally rattles the machine, which in turn sews a buttonhole out of sheer terror.  That's what it seems like, anyway.  Although it’s entirely a crapshoot on whether it’ll make a buttonhole or chew up and spit out your fabric mangled – I bravely made a buttonhole (attempt 2). Complete with tiny, cute, glass rose buttons courtesy of JoAnn’s. I also spent a half hour with my seam ripper on ButtonHOLE Attempt 1, but I don’t like to talk about it. I will say, that is a LOT of stitches in a small area. A bit of an FML moment. But, it can’t be blamed – It came with the sewing machine I got at a garage with a receipt from the 60’s.  It’s a wonder it didn’t just crackle and fall apart. 

I decided to forgo the zipper, mostly because I wanted to use a buttonholer, and I put in two small darts in the front, under the bust. The ruffles on top translated into a ‘belly pouch” area that I found unattractive and in need of being eliminated.   It's a little evident in photo below, but its after I put in on, having eaten a loaf of bread with olive oil that it really thrives and stands out.. It would make a fantastic Maternity Sack.

The best part came in after I washed it, for the first time ever, because I forgot to preshrink.  It’s now a much shorter sack. Luckily, I kept shaving off the armholes, until I had taken off nearly an inch, because it seemed I either have behemoth arms, (I don’t) or they were cut for wrists. I worried that an inch made them too ‘gapey’. Not to worry though, the shrink job took them right back up. Speaking of armholes, I thought those sleeves would look stupid and flappy, but they’re flappy and CUTE!

McCalls 5081 aka Men's Shirt Refashion. (Fail)

I mean. I guess it’s not terrible. The concept is nice. It occurred to me I don’t like halter tops, especially ones that weave in front of your neck, when I tried on the semi finished version.

The second  I slithered into it, and pinned the back together together, I looked in the mirror and understood the importance of making a muslin. Those chicks on Pattern Review aren't kidding.

I also object to the optical illusion the stripes give, narrowing at the top like that. I do not have the shape to be narrowed at the top. Pattern cutting out fail.

I used an old mens’ shirt, and I ended up with just enough fabric after I had ripped open French cuffs, the collar, and the back facing, and took out the label. Just. Enough. But I could have probably flipped these upside down or something, to get the lines to diverge at my chest.   I guess that's what happens when you cut out your patterns in the garage, keeping company to an oil changing Mr Snork.

But, most offensive of all is the Pancake Boob phenomenon (look at the profile).

Yeah.  It looks JUST like that when I put in.  I have yet to find a fix for it on Pattern Review. There’s something called the Full Bust Adjustment, but the name leads me to believe I’m not a candidate. I’m not really sure where I went wrong:

Having no boobs? (likely)

Cutting too big a size? (12) (unlikely?)

Cutting too big a size in boob area? (likely).

The weight and texture of the fabric? (likely)

The gathering needs to be placed elsewhere?  (I followed the pattern to the dot..)

The top is interfaced, and has facings, so it’s three layers of pretty stiff fabric. I think may be, in a nice fluid-y knit or one of those Spring “Silks” at JoAnns, it might have a chance.  Which is too bad, I really like the concept of a refashioned men's shirt.  But.  Not like this. 

It doesn’t look to bad on Nora, (save the profile view) but when I put it on I look like I’ve decided to creatively choke myself with Mr Snork’s apparel while making my boobs look weird.  AND, I know I’m not being paranoid, because Mr Snork, who always treats my experiments with nothing but praise, to avoid any sort of a breakdown on my part, looked at my fitting, and asked, “What’s wrong with it?”.

 Just like that.

I think I’ll rip it apart, and try a smaller size in muslin, see what that does for me.  But first, I'll get the biggest bra I own, and stuff it with my fluffiest dirtbike socks, and try it on.  Just to see if it makes a difference.  I doubt I’ll ever wear it, cause of the weird halter phobia, but I do want to see if I can make it fit. 
The lady in pattern picture doesn't look like she's having issues.  (This was one of my 10c garage sale acquisitions, circa 1970). 

It’s going in the "later" pile though, I have another pattern (Vogue’s 8552), that I had cut out months ago, also without a trial muslin, so I can’t wait to see how that goes. I guess I could quickly whip up a trial dress, since I haven’t sewn anything. Hmm.  Now that I've typed that out, I'm pretty sure I ought. 

CDM5k "Success"

I was pretty psyched that I came in 518th. Out of like, 3,000 people. Nope. Out of 680.

76th percentile.  As in, not even in the top three quarters. 

And, why is it that every 'official' picture of me looks terrible? I was really hoping for a Baywatch type slow - motion captured on film, long flowing hair, bouncy boobs and everything. Fail.

Giraffy looks super awesome, and totally in Baywatch mode, and I look like I'm reciting the little drummers part in the Nutcracker. 

36:32 minutes. 

More training in order. 

On the bright side, Mr Snork's pictures look like he's taking a poop, so that's pleasing.  Does that make me a bad partner? 

Aside from the Giraffy household being definately more in motion photogenic, it was very scenic.  That there is Pacific Ocean in the background, my friends. 

And some creepy awesome flowers. 

And, there was creme brulee at the end.  AND, chicks stopped me to ask what I did to my shirt, cause I shortened it, did a swirly embroider thing on the sleeves and gathered the shoulders.  So, it's almost like I had fans.  I felt very celebrity like. 

Also, let's dicuss this look:

I think I might like it.  I think I want those boots. 

I do. 

I definately do.