Ugh. Of All The Nastyness.

The following is so disgusting I wish I had a different blog under a pen name. I feel so dirty confessing this, that I’m considering wiping out the whole blog after I type this.

There. Is. Gray Waxy Crud. In. My. Hair.

But, let’s start from the beginning.

Yesterday, I did what Jesse affectionately refers to as, “my yeast hair bath”. Something smelly and bacteria infested to name my hair experiment after. He's thoughtful like that. I did baking soda wash, with a bit less baking soda than last time, because last time my hair felt like sandpaper.

Now, I’m a bit torn here. I read that baking soda strips color from hair, and is generally harsh. I have seen what it does to stovetop crud and I’m not really interested in deep cleaning my brain cells. But. The shampoos that are –everything bad- free are also expensive. I don’t understand why methylkillyou suckysulfate Herbal Essences is $2.99 and Nothin-but-cammomile-and-some-shady-oils Essence is $8.99.

Which, I can make my own, and many a woman has. However, the whole premise here was low-ER maintenance. And it takes less time to wash-n-go every couple days than constantly be brewing a cauldron of herbs, and shopping for honey, lavender, jojoba oil, and mice feet to toss in the ‘poo brew. And, again, the expense. If I were to spend $30 at Whole Foods, it would most certainly go to cheese, grains, and those Miso Soup bowls.

Super Duper Conditioner

Anyway, so I decided to just use less baking soda. Like, enough to clean to hair, not quite enough for an interskull deepclean. Followed by Whole Foods SuperDuper Conditioner. Massage, rinse, massage, rinse, cross fingers that your hair doesn’t fall out, rinse. I skipped vinegar, cause I’m trying to figure out what makes it crunchy – soda or vinegar.

This morning I commented that, once again (shocking) it ain’t clean. But Jesse assured me it didn’t smell and didn’t look too bad. Normally, he’s far too nice to actually tell me I’m a wreck, so I have preemptively threatened to punch him square in the throat if I had to hear form somebody else that I smelled like a wet donkey. I think he can be trusted now.

He did ask me if I was sure I used baking soda and not baking powder, which momentarily had me in a panic. I’d hate to the chick who accidentally put some Bisquick in her hair and then wondered why sh!t was getting real.

Anyway, after making sure I don’t smell enough to attract attention in a well ventilated place, like an office, I went to brush it and was pleased, that at least it is soft. It still is ‘fluffy’, or, ‘full of body’ to use a marketing term. But soft, and not tangly. This was pleasing, cause it was about time something good was happening with this experiment. I can deal with soft hair. It still looks freakishly fluffy. But may be that is the natural, wild state of my hair. Or may be I need my ends trimmed. I can live with it. I was a little excited, and feeling pretty awesome about my Natural Wild Woman-ness. Until I looked at the brush, and there. Was. Gray. Shit. ALL over it. Enter feeling like a Natural Wild Woman, but in a very, very bad way. Not 'run naked on the beach' way. more like, 'hide deeper in the cave' way.

Fluffy. I'm not holding my head at and angle, and no wind is blowing. It is ..just fluffy and pointy like I just got off my broom.

No wonder I have ‘body’. There’s apparently nasty wax crap wrapped around each hair, quadrupling it’s volume. Stellar.

And I’m halfway out the door for work, so I don’t have time to throw the experiment out, and lather up with Jesse’s finest “Cooling Sensation” Old Spice smelling body wash. FML.

So, now I’m at work, and feeling dirty. Downright gross. Like a dirty cavewoman with a nasty secret. All bad.

Oddly, it doesn’t ‘feel’ dirty. It’s not squeaky clean, and it’s only faintly ‘waxy’ feeling at the roots. I guess the idea here is that all the crap, I’m sorry, ‘sebum’ (which is what this crap is) is supposed to work it’s way down your hair. And then, I GUESS, it’s supposed to equalize itself out. I really wished I had down the SPECIFICS before I started these mangy ‘experiments’. What I did know, was that the dirty crud part of this nasty, experiment usually came in around weeks 7-9, and I was sure my resolve would be broken long before I got to a stage that ugly. It's not possible that it keeps up for any length of time, right?

My Nasty Waxy Dirty Fluffy Hair

Not to worry, it's not flying about all willy nilly like. I have safely pinned it up into a bun, and I'm trying to blend into office furniture till I can get home and get real.

I don’t know what my plan is going to be. I can’t very well be walking around with nasty wax crap all over my hair. I don’t feel like scrapping the whole plan. There must be purpose to this madness. May be a water rinse and a vinegar rinse tonight after gym. Brushing it till it "works" itself down the hair shaft and (hopefully) disappears? I'll come up with something by tonight.

Stay tuned for more wreckage,

-Cruddy in Newport Beach


  1. Haaahahhahaa.

    That is some FLUFFY hair. Wow.

  2. It's been about 4 years since I've used shampoo so I can assure you that it does get better! In fact, my hair is so easy to deal with now that I wash it once a week. That's it. Sometimes a water wash in the middle, but not always. You just need to find the right formula for your hair :)

    When I went through a gross, waxy at the base but fuzzy at the ends stage, the problem was the rinse. I'd suggest that you comb through your hair really, really well...with a pick or a non-bristle brush. After you've loosened the build up on your hair, wash it with water. Scrub with your fingers and wash it again. When it's dry, use a bristle brush. Then, a few days later, start again with less baking soda (it takes very little) and don't wash as often. With baking soda, I couldn't wash my hair more than once ever 4-5 days or it would get build-up. I have hard water, which doesn't help.

    Also, try a small amount of oil on your tips after your hair is dry - does a fabulous job of getting rid of that fluffy, frizzy hair. I use coconut oil but I'm sure others work, too. I tend to use vinegar in the summer and oil in the winter.

    Good luck!

  3. Thanks, MM. I thought I had scrubbed. It's so bizarre. It's not flat and greasy or smelly or anything. It's just.. waxy, but still fluffy on top. My hair usually gets all flat and stringy when dirty.. And it's not. So weird. Your story inspires me to keep at it. Thanks!